Often we question ourself ,
Why are we here ?
What's the purpose of living?
Why does this happen to me?
Are we just God's puppet for him to create dramas for us , so He will be entertained?
Sometimes in life, we do tend to be lost; misguided by people or blinded by obstacles. It is the worst thing that could have ever happen.
When our mind is not clear we are susceptible to influences by people surrounding us.
Many are lost and trap in their own thoughts. Most are not aware of what's happening to them . We're like physically present but our souls are wandering elsewhere. I would say the mind, soul & body are not connected.
It's like we're so drunk or just without the consumption of alcohol .
Perhaps some would use alcohol as a "Problem Solver" or as "An escape from Reality".
I personally had experienced mental illness. It is a very common mental illness among young girls and older women. Don't be surprise that guys now maybe diagnose with it too.
That well known mental illness is called "Anorexia" or colloquially known as "Ana".
Before I was diagnosed with Anorexia, I was a person who had a very strong mind. Someone who was not influenced easily by anyone or anything.
I could not exactly understand how was I diagnosed with Anorexia.
See, the terrifying thing about such mental illness is the silent it could inflict. Before you know it, everything would be too late.
Sometime in mid 2013, there was just one comment that turn my life upside down.
It was: "Wow, you can really eat so much. You're gaining weight".
I didn't know how or why I was being affected by the comment. I'm a person who has high metabolism and can hardly gain weight regardless how much calorie I consumed. Being a person who dislike sport due to the stickiness of sweat, I was really worried about gaining weight.
From that day onwards, I decided to change my diet and started increasing my daily activities.
My daily meals changed. I ate "healthier" . Exercising has become part of my lifestyle . I was so persistent in everything. I even did my research on how to" Lose Weight or achieve a " Model Body".
Finding all sorts of diet that could lead me to have abs, skinny arms and skinnier legs. I would compare myself with beautiful models on media and thinking I'm not perfect enough.
As each day passed , my time of exercising has extended and my food intake decreased. My food portion is less than the size of my palm. I didn't know how did I sustain myself. My mind was so focused on being skinny. Thinking if I were to restrict calories, I would achieve my goals.
We know the main source of energy comes from our food. Honestly speaking, I had not idea where did I get my energy to accomplish so many extreme activities. I eventually signed up for a leadership camp in school. I did 6 hours of kayaking , cleaning up the beach and hiked 6 hours up the mountain.
Throughout the year , I ran for charity, did my daily workout routine , swam laps after a workout , jogged after tennis lessons and I couldn't sit still for a minute. Once I've missed a workout, I would get so paranoid . All I thought of was burning as much calories as possible.
From a 5 minute workout to an hour, and from an hour to 2-3 hours per day. After a workout, I would weight myself on the scale , measure every inch of my body. The number has dropped drastically but I still wasn't satisfy..
When I looked at myself in the mirror, I convinced myself that I was at my healthiest state.
I had a bad relationship with food . It was an enemy to me. I was so afraid of going out to dinner with family and friends. Afraid that they would force me to eat , comment on the food I chose or the portion of it .
I've declined every hang out and party invitation. After a little meal, I would just find a way to slot in my workout to burn it off.
Sleepover was my favorite way to spend time with my friends. It became lesser due to I was terrified to miss my workout routine.
On July 2014, my weight dropped to the lowest. I felt so disconnected from everyone, my family and friends. I felt like the bond I once shared with them has fade.
Not only my weight dropped but my grades too. I remember how my grades was improving at the end of 2013.. I was getting so many A's.
I thought I could do better in 2014. Moulding my character to be a better person , improving my grades , doing more productive things to help others, creating more art to sell for charity , reading more books because I love them , Belly dancing & so much more.
Unfortunately, every inner value was nothing to me anymore. My energy was all lost on focusing to achieve the body of what " Society define as beauty or perfect ".
My emotions was so imbalance. I constantly had terrible mood swings and my internal system was hay-wire .
I was going against nature by not eating at all. Literally starving.
My calories was so restricted to the point I had insomnia . I couldn't sleep. Perhaps my body is trying to give me a signal. If I would ever fall asleep, I might not be able to wake up. I was still convincing myself I'm "healthier ". Little did I know, I was killing myself slowly..
Breathless was what I felt most of the time.
I was aware of anorexic. I did research on it and had the symptoms. Being very stubborn, I couldn't see that I was having a problem.
My whole year was wasted trying to conquer this mental illness. It was my sweet 16 year and also a year where I'm suppose to make " Teenage Dreams". Hanging out with friends.. Making memories with my family.. Instead, all of those was wasted due to my obsession of outer beauty.
I cried almost every night. I would surrender myself to the alter and begged Lord to end this suffering.
" Why does this have to happen to me? Please take away the pain. I don't want to be like this anymore. I would like to return to the time when I was happy."
I tried my best to slowly increase my food intake while maintaining my fitness level.
But every time, when I logged onto any media platform, especially Instagram , tumblr or weheartit.. There's always pictures of beautiful girls or models with curvy body, small waist , tall and skinny. I would get so self-conscious and insecure.
There I go again, dragged back into my darkest voice. I was so desperate to recover but was afraid of the consequences..
Praying to God for help.
My mind was cloudy.. I didn't want to live anymore.
I made everyone around me so worried & devastated. My grandparents, my parents , my best friend and even my lil sister. I couldn't believe I made them cry. They kept on asking me what has happened? What got me into this?
Honestly speaking, I thought that was the end of my life. It was so chaotic.
My mom was stopped by little sister from scolding me whenever I do not want to eat or started exercising for long hours again . My sister told my mom I needed time to heal.
I told myself that this is too selfish.
I looked at myself in the mirror and was shocked. I could not recognize who's the girl staring back at me. Every clothing of mine does not fit anymore. My pants was so lose. The jaws on my face was so deep. I was so malnourished and haggard . This is not me.
I don't look happy like how I used to .
Knowing that this could not go on forever, I decided to acknowledge and admit I had a problem. I didn't want to make my loves one around me to feel hurt and sad.
I NEED TO CHANGE.
Changing and accepting is not easy. It takes lots of courage and willpower to get back up. Luckily for me, I had the greatest love and support from everyone around me . They are the one who helped me out. Of course, the change starts within me too. I wanted to get better . To be free from this mental illness.
To feel lively again .
What kept me going was also because I had to be mentally & physically fit to perform belly dancing. Since belly dancing is my passion.
Im very lucky that I did not collapsed or got admitted into the hospital. I needed to keep myself occupied from my thoughts. Perhaps God knew that . I had the opportunity to signed up for volunteering at the soup kitchen to feed the poor , work in the kindergarten and went on a trip to Bangkok .
Till today, looking back at what I've gone through. The tough journey was a life lesson. Although I was not cautious of what I've experienced , I met many great people and indeed learn a lot along the way.
Everything is about Yin & Yang . A balance life.
I learn that my body is the temple of my soul. It should be respected and nourished. Not harmed.
I learn about self-loving and making peace with myself.
Accepting and loving yourself for who you are. To feel confidence in your own skin .
I've to accept everything about myself and love it. It's easier said than done.
Who could love you more than yourself?
The most grateful thing I've found again is my inner value. The value I've acquire from my mother and others who taught me along the way.
Outer beauty does not last long. It's just a physical appearance. Of course, it does not mean you do not need to take care of your outer look. You should be well-groom and look presentable :)
Before I was anorexic, I didn't know what I would like to pursue my career in future. As I was recovering from it, I figured out that Im very passionate in healthy living. So I decided to further my studies into dietitian.
My main reason to pursue in dietitian due to I would like to show young girls or boys a different perspective of food. It is not your enemy. Food helps your body to repair itself and to sustain. It's in our nature that we need to consume food.
Of course, choose the right food ;)
Im very thankful for the experience I've gone through. It may not be pleasant but it's worth it .
If it's wouldn't for my ED, I wouldn't be who am I today.
Some of you would ask why am I sharing this?
Frankly speaking, I was hesitating on posting stories about my past . Im so embarrass writing this . I know that the past should stay where it is. Just somethings can't be forgotten.
By sharing my story with you , in hope to help those who're still struggling with this mental illness & to those who may realized your loves one might be affected.
It's tough to be free from this illness but you can fight through it.
Don't let the numbers on the scale , measuring tape or outer beauty defines who you are.
Instead, let your talents , skills , your beautiful character , your inner value defines you <3
"Everyone steps into this world for a reason .
Whatever the reason is , you're worthy here."
- Girl behind @earthynourish
